The Secret
I do not like secrets but I have
held one for 36 years now. At first it was not something I wanted to talk
about. I felt it was intensely private
and something for my husband George and I.
How I love him. I would do
anything for him. When we first started to date, he walked into a room my soul
would lift. He asked me to keep this one
secret not to tell the world or even our close friends and family.
It meant in the early days that I
did not have any support except from him.
As time progressed, it felt like a black cloud hanging over me. I always wondered what happens if I just
blurted it. Just like vomit “what
happens if I just say it?”. I would picture
his face and decide I could not break his heart.
As our children Michael and Sarah
got older the secret changed, I knew I was actively keeping it from them. After all it affected them the most.
Every time I would try and
discuss it with George, he would say “Not now Evelyn, you know we cannot tell
them, we agreed. What happens if they do
not want to know me anymore? They would
disown us both for lying”.
It started to seep into my
confidence, chipping away at it every day.
I began to think if I tell the children I will lose him and them, and
then my life would be destroyed for ever.
One day I went outside and just ran. I do not know where, but I just did. My mind was always exhausted but now my body
was too.
From that day to now, I run. It helps me to clear my mind of my
anxiousness and occasionally brings me joy.
I regularly entered running events as George would question why all the
running. I could not bring myself to
tell him that my soul was broken by the secret. It meant keeping another secret
but this one was just mine. I felt I had
learnt to keep the secrets and my love for George separate but truthfully they
had started to tarnish our relationship.
That day, the sun was shining,
birds were tweeting and the air smelt of the sea salt, I started to feel
content again but that was all about to change. I walked back in from my run
and my mobile phone rang. It was an
anonymous number. I answered with a
sharp tone expecting a salesperson “Yes?”
“Is that Mrs Evelyn Jones?”.
There was a serious voice on the other end.
“Yes, may I ask who is speaking?”.
I began to realise this was a serious
voice.
“Yes, my name is Sergeant Matthews;
your husband has been injured in a car accident about 7am this morning. He has been taken to Christchurch Hospital
and it being treated.
“Is he seriously hurt?” I interrupted.
My mind was racing. Where was the car
key, I need to get there and be with him. I need to ring the children and tell
them. Where will they be?”.
“I am afraid I do not have that
information. We will send a vehicle to
collect you and take you to the hospital”.
I could sense he knew more but was not telling me. His voice was wobbling, like he had seen the
whole thing.
I was shaking; I knew I needed to
be with him.
The next few hours were a blur;
there were police, doctors, and the children were crying. I was numb. They sat me down and told me that George died
on the way to the hospital. I kept
thinking of the phrase on the television “dead on arrival”. It was too surreal. I was sure I would get
home, he would be sitting at the dining table reading the paper, telling me the
kettle is on and it has all been a sick joke. Instead they told me when and
where I pick up the medical death certificate so I could register his death. I
suddenly felt very alone and it dawned on me the secret is now only mine.
The next ten days passed in a
blur of visitors. Telling me they have
no words, what a wonderful man he was, funny stories about him that I had not
known, and hugs. They were one way
hugs. I had no capacity. I just knew this was our punishment for the secret;
I understood then that I must tell the children. The weight of it was getting
too heavy.
I had cooked dinner and arranged for Michael and Sarah to
come. We were sitting around the dining room
table and I felt George sitting at the opposite end. I was looking at his empty chair. I could see him shaking his head at me,
begging me not to do this.
“I have something to tell you and this is going to come as a
shock” I said in a hurry as I was serving the peas. I knew I needed to say it
fast otherwise my courage would disappear.
“Mum is everything ok?” Sarah interrupted.
“No it is not. Your
father was a wonderful man but he insisted I kept a secret from you both and I
cannot do it any longer”.
“Mum what is it?” She looked scared and tears started to
well up in my eyes.
“Your father and I were married for seven years before you
Michael came into our lives and then Sarah you came 18 months later. We started trying for children a year after
we got married. First your grandfather
died and then your grandmother got breast cancer and died too. We thought it was not happening for us due to
all the stress. On top I was doing a long commute and your dad was working two
jobs to help us save for this house. We
then realised that we had been trying for five years and nothing had yet
happened so our GP suggested we go for some tests to check it was not anything
else. Your father came back completely
infertile. We were obviously both shocked.”
I paused and took a deep long breath. I could not look at their faces but knew I
needed to. I saw it in their eyes they knew
what was coming next.
“So we did a three month tour of Europe to think about what
we wanted to do. During that trip we
decided that it was nurture over nature and it would be better if you were at
least 50% biological ours and we would use a sperm donor. So that is what we did.”
I explained “I have always wanted to tell you
but your father was adamant, but now he has gone I know you had to know.”
Michael got up from the table and
walked out through the hall and slammed the front door shut. Sarah sat and looked at me as tears streamed
down her face. She screamed “why, just
why would you not tell us he is not our dad?
Who is our dad? This is our life and this is fundamental to who we are.”
I started to explain “He is your
father, he was there when you were born, he went to every school play, he came
to your ballet shows, he kissed you goodnight.
He loved you more than anything.
Your dad is more than biology”
But I knew she was absolutely
right. This was no longer a secret but now
we were all broken. The consequences of
George’s wish were now only just manifesting.
Sarah looked at me and said “this
should not have been a secret. I do not
know how to look at you mum. We have lost our dad and now you want to
confess. You are so selfish.” With that
she followed Michael out the door.
I was now all alone. I saw George
just sitting there saying “I told you so”.
With that I chucked my plate across the room where his head would be and
shouted “you ruined it all”.
